or you can just have them surgically removed

With all the advances in modern medicine, I think that lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride should be downgraded from 'deadly' sins to 'mildly irrating' sins.

maybe it's the tiny shorts

My friends all like playing tennis, but I've never understood what all the racket is about.

teaching our children

People talk about how bad child labor is but I think it's important that kids learn how much work sucks at a young age.

instead it will be a shivershop

If I ever decide to exploit cheap labor, I'll move to Alaska and hire a bunch of eskimos because it's too cold up there for anyone to accuse me of running a sweatshop.

my life was becoming all work and no play

I love movies so I got a job at a video rental store but had to quit because I started taking my work home with me.

with a side of fries

In Spain, they're always doing stuff with bulls, like bull fighting and running with the bulls. I'm glad I live in America where we just eat them and don't base activities around them.

because they're fun to press

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then I bet the nipples are the doorbells.

I think they're challenging me

My parent's said to me 'you'll be graduating soon and it's time to grow up and think about what you're going to do with your life. You won't be in college forever.' So now, I'm thinking of enrolling in a masters program.

because, if included, he would have only ranked #3

Hugh Jackman was named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, angering the entire dead community because they've once again been excluded from the list.

it sure doesn't make my whites any whiter

Someone asked me why I always wear gray. "Is it your favorite color?" they ask. "It's so somber," they say. But the reason is that I'm just too lazy to separate the darks from the whites when I wash clothes.

and they're bad tippers too

People who say 'it's the little things that count' usually give the worst gifts.

and the lips, and the legs, and the...

Beauty might be in the eye of the beholder, but it is also in the breasts of the beheld.

it's the economy's fault

My girlfriend complained that I wasn't invested in our relationship. I told her that I wasn't impressed with the interest rate.

or maybe it's just too cold

I think the reason there are no black bears in Antarctica is because polar bears are all racists.

because I'm tired of losing

When I was a kid I wanted to conquer the world. Nowadays, I'd be happy just to call it a draw.

maybe she should just add a hyphen

If Miss America married some guy from Rome, I wonder if she would keep her maiden name or if she would make everyone refer to her as Mrs. Italy.

advice

My friend said that he was tired of me always giving him unsolicited advice. "Let me tell you what to do about that..." I told him.

plus he always falls asleep at the wheel

I won't let my friend with lazy-eye drive me anywhere because he just can't seem to keep both eyes on the road.

or maybe the day after that

I'm a terrible procrastinator. And starting tomorrow, that's going to change.

act your age

Lately, people have been telling me that I'm immature and asking when I plan on growing up. There used to simply be adults and kids. Then they created a group for teenagers. Then a young-adult category. Then they decided that there should be a pre-teen group. Which was then further broken down to include the tweens. Yet the movie theaters consider you an adult at 12 - since you have to pay full ticket price, though they won't let you see a rated R or a PG13 movie. The DMV doesn't view you as an adult until 16 when you're allowed to finally drive, but the voting polls say you're not an adult until 18 when they finally allow you to vote. And the liquor control board says you need to be 21. The Federal Government considers you too immature to even run for president until you're 35. You can't join the AARP until you reach 55, and you used to be old enough to retire at 65, but nobody really does anymore because the cost of living is higher than social security pays...not that there's really any money left in social security nowadays. So I feel that the issue isn't really when I'll grow up but which parameters are being used to judge whether I'm adult enough.